A Few More Names to Drop; Me and Mr. Fly

Sunday, July 25, 2010 - David W. Ryan

After documenting my little episode with the tornado last week, I’ve had more than just a few people say: “Why don’t you write more stuff like that? It was funny and we liked the name dropping too.” Well people this is still Catahoula Parish and things like the tornado hopefully come around ‘bout once a lifetime – I hope!

But I did find a few more names to drop and just about two hours ago something happened you all might find funny but more than likely impossible.

It’s Sunday and I indulged myself with a late breakfast of pancakes from Big Johns and a side order of bacon; soft bacon by the way. What is the point of getting your bacon fried so hard it explodes in your mouth when you bite into it?

Anyway, that’s all I had until about 7:30. Busy I guess on all the CatahoulaLife.com stories we have and will have in the next couple of days.

I decided now was a good time to get a sandwich, a banana, plus an oatmeal crème cookie. So I walked into the kitchen and turn the light on and something whizzes by my head doing warp speed. I knew by the buzz, I knew by the insect laugh, I knew it was a darn fly.

I don’t know about you but when it comes to things I hate mosquitoes tops the list followed closely by the common house fly. Don’t get me wrong, I am scared to death of spiders and snakes, so it goes without saying I hate them most of all. But when it comes to creatures I am not afraid of, mosquito number 1, fly number 2.

This fly, however, might have ascended to number 1 as I have swatted, flailed, beat, throw at, and cursed to the moon and back. And here that little (kids cover your eyes) son of a gun was making a mockery of me in my own kitchen.

Think I’m joking? My fist are clenched along with my teeth, my blood pressure is so bad I can see my blood pumping, and like a little bomber I can hear the buzzing turn as he makes another run at my head!

As cool and calm as a volcano erupting in summer, I reach for the fly swatter. Aptly named since it is surely not a fly killer!

No use sugar coating this. I swung like mighty Babe Ruth, but just like Casey at his last bat, it was one, two, three strikes you’re out; of breath, out of shape, and just out of luck. Sweat is now pouring down my face like Niagara Falls. If I could have found a gun…well you know what I would have done.

Didn’t want to live just long enough for the paramedics to find me on the floor and with my last dying breath I tell them: “I was trying to kill a fly.”

So this fly, which just went over my head laughing so hard I swear I think he peed on me, beat me fair and square. Time to rebuild my self-esteem and regain some of the dignity I had clearly just lost.

So I swing open the refrigerator, dig out the Miracle Whip, Velveeta cheese, and Bryan bologna. I turn back to the counter and practically throw everything down in disgust. When I noticed something black just flew under the Miracle Whip jar.

Nah.

There’s no way!

It is called Miracle Whip?

I stood there stunned.

Did this really just happen?

So I pushed down on the jar a little extra, you know, just in case that really was him and picked up the jar with my left hand, fly swatter in my right hand, preparing for the slightest chance he tries to fly off if I only, well you know, crippled it.

It’s like slow motion now, as I play this back in my head. As the jar clears my line of sight to the counter, my chest is heaving with excitement at the mere possibility – but alas all the air escapes as I see no dead or even wounded fly on the counter.

And then, even in slower motion, my head starts to turn to the left where eyes meet the bottom of the jar and the crimpled up body of my tormentor.

So after a 1/1,000,000 of a second of silence, out of respect, I began to do the only thing I knew to celebrate; I made two bologna and cheese sandwiches with extra Miracle Whip.

This was going to be special.

I put everything back in the refrigerator, shut the door, picked up my plate full of sandwiches and heard --- bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

To be continued…

• Some Name Dropping

Haven’t heard much out of Rodney and gang up at Jim Bowie’s lately but I just heard Jessie LaRae Dunham who is Gary and Norma (Dunham) Odom’s niece will be singing at Jim Bowie's Relay Station on July 30, 2010. Hope to go see her perform.

My old buddy Ronnie Swayze up Bayou Louie way has been doing quite well on the archery circuit. He just finished third in Metropolis, Illinois out of 67 shooters and will be seeded in the top 5 for Shooter of the Year in the West Monroe Classic this weekend (July 31 and August 1). Good Luck Ronnie.

The Block football schedule has been released and we only have three home games this year. Bummer I know. What happens in a six team district you are going to have five district games and since you make these schedules every two years to make sure each team gets a home and home game, one year you will have three home games, the next two.

Our two home games in district this year will be Montgomery, which is homecoming on October 22nd and the next Friday, October 29th we host LaSalle. The non-district home game will be the first game of the year September 3rd when Vidalia and their new coach comes to town. The jamboree is Saturday, August 28 at Vidalia where they will face Class A Delhi Charter. Meet the Bears is set for August 26th and a scrimmage at Ville Platte will kick things off August 20th.

Oh yeah, we travel back to Bastrop on September 24. This is a game Coach Vault sold to Bastrop to make money and I don’t blame them one bit in this day and age. Go to Bastrop and get two or three times the amount of money you make at home – guaranteed. Not bad at all…

We will have a complete story on the upcoming season this week. Enjoy…