Welcome to Joke of the Day
St. Patrick's Day
Submitted by Rosco at 95 Country
Happy St Patrick's Day...."Didja hear the news?" asked Keenan of his pal at the saloon. "Harrigan drank so much, his wife left him!"Â
"Bartender! Give me six boilermakers!!"
Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they're always a little short.
Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter!
Q: What's Irish and stays out all night?
A: Patty O'furniture!
Q: How did the Irish Jig get started?
A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!
Grannie made such beautiful pies!
November 29, 2009 - Submitted by Lois Herron
One day I asked her, “How do you get such beautiful pies with the crimps around the edge so even?”
“It’s a family secret,” she said. “So promise not to tell.”
“I roll out the dough, then cut a bottom layer and carefully put it in the pie plate. Then I slowly pour the filling, making sure it’s not too full. Next I cute a top layer and put it over the filling.”
“Finally, I take out my teeth and just run them around the edge of the pie crust and they make the nicest even impressions you ever did see.”
Some family secrets are better left secret?
How I learned to mind my own business
November 28, 2009 - Submitted by Robert Price
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day and all the patients were outside shouting, '13...13...13.'
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on...
Somebody poked me in the eye with a stick!
Then they all started shouting
'14...14...14'...
The 100 Mile Per Hour Goat
November 27, 2009 - Submitted by Lori Jackson
Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".
So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three and throw it in the hole.
They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation -- jumped in head first.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.
"Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped head first into this hole here!"
The old farmer said "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission!"
A true Louisiana Ghost Story?
November 26, 2009 - Submitted by Lori Jackson (revised version)
This happened about a month ago on Halloween night, just outside of Jonesville, a little town in the crossroads country of Louisiana, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.
A Natchez, Miss., salesman, Alan Dossett, abandoned his disabled vehicle on the side of the road, and attempted to hitchhike. The night was pitch dark in the middle of a thunderstorm.
Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.
Suddenly, through the sheets of rain, he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.
Desperately needing a ride, Alan jumped in the car and closed the door. Only then did he realize that there was no one behind the wheel and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain.
Again the car crept silently forward and Alan was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. He saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and beg for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into the Glen Ditch and he would then die!
But just before the curve, a shadowy hand appeared at the driver's window, reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and Alan was alone again.
Paralyzed with fear, Alan watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally, scared nearly to death, Alan had all he could take, jumped out of the car, and into ran to town.
Wet and in shock, he went into Gumbeaux’s Sports Bar. Voice quavering, he ordered two cups of coffee, black, and then told everybody about his supernatural experience.
The room became silent and everybody got goose bumps when they realized Alan was telling the truth (and not just some drunk).
About 30 minutes later two locals, dripping wet, walked into Gumbeaux’s and one says to the other, "Look, Robert Lee, there’s that idiot who rode in the car when we were pushing  it in the rain!!!"
How some children drive their parents crazy
August 23, 2009 - Submitted by Lori Jackson
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'Hello?'
'Is your daddy home?' he asked.
'Yes,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'
The child whispered, 'No.'
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' 'Yes'
'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, 'No'
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
'Yes ,' whispered the child, 'a policeman.'
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
'No, he's busy, ' whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'
'Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman,' came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
'A helicopter' answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered,
'The search team just landed a helicopter'
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...
'ME.'
Some couples need therapy...
August 19, 2009 - Submitted by Mark Krause
This elderly couple was driving down the interstate when suddenly blue lights were flashing behind them. The old man immediately pulled his car over on the shoulder of the road and put it in park. The Louisiana State Trooper calmly walked to the couple's car and informed the man that he was going 80 m.p.h in a 65 m.p.h. zone.
The old man said "officer I was only going 68 m.p.h.!" His wife then replied "Harold, you know you was going 80 because I just told you to slow it down!" The old man jerked his head around at his wife and gave her a dirty look.
The officer then informed him that he would also be written for no seat belt. The old man said "Officer I was wearing my seat belt; I took it off when I pulled over!" The old wife then replied "Harold you NEVER wear your seatbelt EVER!"
The officer then hit him with the news that he would be written up for the broken tail light. In a confused look the old man said "I am sorry, but I didn't realize that my tail light was broken officer!" The old lady said "Harold, you have known that the tail light has been out for the last 3 weeks!"
Harold, then noticably frustrated with his wife, turned and shouted at his wife "Woman, Shut Up!!!!"
The officer in utter shock leaned his head down and asked the old lady "Mam, does he usually talk to you in this manner?"
The old lady replied "Only when he is drunk!!!"
Boudreax and Thibodaux workin' ona house
August 14, 2009 - Submitted by Morgan Woods
Boudreaux and Thibodaux was workin' ona house. Thibodaux was nailin' down sidin' and would reach in his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in. Boudreaux kept watchin' and when he couldn't stand it no more, he decided to axe what in the da world Thibodaux was doin'. "Why you throwing away dem nails for, heh?"
"Mais, if ah pull a nail out of my pouch and it's point at me, ah throw it away 'cause it's defective. It it points toward da house, den ah nail it in!'
Boudreaux got really upset and yelled, "Mais, you some kind of stupid! Dem nails pointed toward you ain't defective! Dey for da udder side of da house!"
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